There’s a magnitude of changes going on when you decide to have a baby. From the conception, the pregnancy and all its possible outcomes, to learning to cope with having a newborn in the house.
No matter how many textbooks and guidelines you read on raising the perfect newborn - somewhere in-between you’re left hanging, contemplating if you are in fact doing the right thing.
Studying to be a surgeon comes with a lot of one-on-one mentoring. You read the procedure and the anatomy weeks before the procedure, then you actually have a direct mentor or Prof with you in theater. You get to ask and learn from them step by step as you go along. That doesn’t happen with a new baby. Somehow you’ve made the biggest transition in your whole life, now taking someone’s tiny life into your own hands, and there’s no direct mentor. Sure you have friends you can message 3am in the morning, but it's really not the same.
In my mommy friend’s defence, I‘m overwhelmed with the community of mothers that’s come across my path, but I often wish I had a ‘Prof of Newborns‘ who could check in on me every step of the way.
Perfectionism aside, now working mothers everywhere get to nurture the little seeds of doubt if they are still good enough for their careers. If taking time off to bond and nourish somehow leaves you behind. ‘Is it even possible to have both?‘ I ask myself every-time I practice knotting with a piece of string around the house, you know, just to make sure I still can.
After putting enough energy into this insecurities we all face, I know now we’re standing on the shoulders of giants. So many surgeon mothers before me have fought hard to make motherhood in the profession a reality. I applaud them. I also had no idea what they went through before now also stepping into their shoes. It’s really hard, don’t think otherwise.
I suddenly get to realise - not only am I ‘still a surgeon’, but now I’m a mother and ‘also a surgeon’. What an epiphany for me. I get to wear another hat everyday I walk into the hospital, because motherhood is not something that disappears on ward rounds.
As I went through this turmoil of thought I hope my path can help guide someone else. You are really not alone in this, me neither. This is my attempt to structure my thoughts.
Love from your surgeon mommy
Marguerite
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